“You were at a dude ranch?” his friend asked while trying hard to suppress an oncoming burst of laughter.

“Yeah!” he interjected. “I rode a horse once when I was young while visiting our farm,” he bragged.

Yes, he was on a horse when he was a boy. To him, having his short legs straddle a horse for a few minutes meant the real thing.

Since experience in horseback riding was a prerequisite to join the dude ranch in Monument Valley, Arizona, he decided to augment his mini-experience by renting a horse for a 30-minute ride.

“What could be very difficult about riding a horse?” he thought while leading his horse to the start of the nature trail.

Once on the trail, he wanted the horse to go faster than its walk.

“C’mon, horse!” he urged, kicking it lightly with his heels.

The horse continued on with its measured gait.

“C’mon, already!” he yelled, startling the hikers on the nature trail.

Getting no response after repeated goadings, he decided to just enjoy the nature trail, the horse’s occasional trot surprising him.

“Okay, this is our last ride!” the dude ranch tour guide announced. “Be sure to have your horse face the other way if you don’t want to go galloping with us!”

“Should I?” he asked himself after refusing to join for four straight days. “Remember, you looked forward to this and you may never have that chance again.”

Given no extra second to hem and haw, he gulped, and turned his horse.

Without even completing the turn, his horse galloped like a cannon ball as soon as the lead horse kicked off the ride.

His horse knew that the fastest way from point a to point b was a straight line!
• It sped through bushes and low-lying trees, the leaves and branches hitting him like brushes in a car wash!
• It jumped over dips and mounds, his butt bearing the brunt of it!
• It splashed through narrow creeks, water spraying his terrified face!
• His cowboy hat flew off his head, the chin strap holding on to it! The trailing hat catching air did not drag down the pace! The pull on the chin strap was choking him instead!
• His glasses with clip-on shades slid down his nose, the straps and his bulbous schnozzle stopping them from falling off!
• His neckerchief blew up and covered his face, blinding him!
• His legs clenched around the back of the horse like he was hanging on for dear life!
• He prayed as his life flashed before his eyes!

“Oh, my God! Please let this be over!” he exclaimed through gritted teeth. “I don’t want to die!”

The seemingly endless horror ceased before he knew it.

Being on the last horse, he got all the dust that was kicked up by the herd ahead of him, silica particles collecting on his eyeballs.

“Thank you, God!” he exclaimed under his breath, the cloud of dust settling around him.

He went home with great memories of living in a tent in Navajo land; ranch style food; stories around campfires; open air, cold showers; beautiful pinnacles and buttes; boundless sun-drenched, scenic horizon; horseback rides up and down the mesas; cloudless blue skies; and moon and star-lit evenings. And of course, with a chafed crotch and a sore butt.

“Am I too old to ride a carousel?” he mused as he thought of the forthcoming townfest.